When You Don’t Feel Heard

Feeling unheard in your relationships, work place and even friendships can be incredibly frustrating. Especially when the topic of discussion is something meaningful to you. More often than not, the person that you feel isn’t hearing you, either isn’t aware or they don’t recognise that there’s a problem with how the communication is occurring. 

The topic of not feeling heard arises frequently in my coaching sessions, both personally and professionally. 

Some people are finding it incredibly difficult to feel heard by their boss, and in some situations the messages that need to be heard would have saved time, money, and prevented additional work load post the event. And, I am seeing frustrations mount as a result of these moments. In fact, for some people they come to me regarding this at the point of almost no return, when they want to leave their job. Which means, not only do we need to integrate the skill of adjusting how we deliver our message, but we also need to work with mindset management. 

Other people are struggling in their personal relationships. Not feeling heard by your partner can feel very draining and eventually damaging to the relationship, and can often lead to people believing that their feelings are being dismissed. When this occurs, people can begin a phase of deep reflection on if the partnership is healthy and one they want to remain in. When one person reaches this stage, it is quite the journey to return to a harmonious place. 

The main underpinning point is….How do you get someone to understand something they don’t seem willing to hear? 

When I observe people experiencing these moments, I notice that their approach to communicating with that person changes. They either almost instantly jump to a state of frustration (the most unresourceful mindset state) or they withdraw and find it pointless to attempt to have the conversation. I’ve seen people eventually leave jobs, question whether they’re happy in their marriage or pull away from friendships that leave them feeling drained and uncared for.

Now, I want to be clear, we cannot control other people and their willingness to listen. However, we can adjust and refine our delivery to ensure that we are providing the best possible approach in creating a resourceful conversation terrain. Each person plays a role in useful conversations, and while we cannot change the other person, we can choose to manage our own approach and take accountability for the part we play. 

With that in mind, I want to share three simple adjustments you can try in the conversation itself. You don't need to spend an hour reflecting or remember a complicated communication model. And to be clear, this doesn't mean it's your responsibility to do all the work. The other person has a part to play as well.

How do you get someone to understand something they don’t seem willing to hear?

The first thing to consider is to lead with your point.

In my experience within the world of marketing, communication and people, this is one of the most critical points people overlook. As Stephen R. Covey puts it, “Begin with the end in mind”. Before you start to make your point, become explicitly clear on what is the one thing you actually want them to understand? 

For example, if you're worried about mistakes at work, you could begin with: “I'm concerned we're repeating the same mistakes, and I'd like us to agree how to prevent them.” Then explain what's been happening. You've given the other person a clear starting point, rather than asking them to work out where the conversation is going.

At home, it might sound like: “I'd like us to make plans together before either of us commits to them.” You can then explain why that matters to you. You don't have to begin with every occasion when it hasn't happened.

This can be particularly useful if you find yourself talking around the point because you feel uncomfortable raising it. Try finishing this sentence in your mind: “The one thing I want them to understand is...” Then begin there.

The second adjustment is to make it specific.

“You never listen to me” might feel like an accurate description of your experience, but it leaves quite a lot open to interpretation, and often opens up a debate instead of a discussion. 

What does effective listening look like to you? 

What happened that left you feeling unheard? 

What would you like to happen differently?

Understanding the gap between what happened and what you would like to happen, helps you articulate what you need to feel heard in future conversations. Imagine saying to your partner: “When I was explaining why I felt upset yesterday, you said there wasn't a problem before I'd finished. I'd like you to hear what I'm saying before responding. This will help me feel heard in our conversations” This approach helps you move forward positively, instead of dwelling on the negative. You've given them a particular moment to consider and explained what you're asking for. They might remember it differently, but you now have something specific to discuss, rather than a debate about whether they ever listen. 

Additionally, delivering this message and having this conversation from a resourceful state and using a gentle/calm intonation will serve you well. My biggest tip is to support your body by encouraging it to enter a parasympathetic (rest and digest) state, by using 4-4-8 breathing. Breath in for 4 - hold for 4 - breath out for 8. You can do this technique discreetly and on demand, which will help in managing intonation and body language. 

When you’re in a meeting, instead of saying “Nobody takes my concerns seriously”, you might instead say: “In yesterday's meeting, we moved on before discussing the error I raised. I'd like us to review it before we send the next version, as I believe this will save us all time and additional work”

Being very specific with your message can also help you understand their response. 

If someone responds, “That won't work”, instead of becoming frustrated, become curious. Ask, “Which part concerns you?” If they push back even further and say, “You're making a big deal out of this”, you might ask, “What do you understand my concern to be?” (Remember to manage your intonation here).

You don't need to fire a ton of questions at them. One question, asked with curiosity, gives you somewhere resourceful to go next. 

My personal motto in communication is “Never assume, always question with curiosity” Feel free to apply that to your approach if it resonates with you. It typically serves me well. 

The third is to show you've heard them.

This one might feel a little annoying when you're the person who doesn't feel heard. Why should you have to demonstrate that you're listening? I understand that. But if we're asking for a conversation, there needs to be space for both people within it. Briefly acknowledging their perspective allows you to check that you've understood them, while still making your own point. Plus, there is a small chance that they might actually also feel like they’re not being heard. 

For example at work, saying: “I hear that getting this finished today is important to you. I'm concerned that sending it before the review will mean more corrections afterwards.”

Or at home: “It sounds like you thought we'd already agreed on the plans. Have I understood that? I hadn't realised we'd made a decision, moving forward I’d like it if we can double check with each other before committing.”

You're making room for their experience alongside yours, and it is imperative that you recognise the importance of that. You can understand why someone sees something differently and still feel strongly about what you need. I must stress, that the acknowledgement needs to be honest, anything but, will come across so and add fuel to a already well lit fire. If you're unsure what they mean, check (get curious). And if you've misunderstood, let them explain. Otherwise, “I hear you” can become another phrase we say while waiting to get back to our own argument.

Personally, one of the measures I use to recognise if I’ve truly heard what someone needs from me (especially during a more conflict based discussion) is the presence of stress in my body. If I’m able to feel my shoulders come down, my jaw relax and be able to sit down in a comfortable state, I know that I’ve heard what they said and I’ve digested it. If I am tense, then quite honestly, my listening barriers are likely still pretty high and the use of “I hear you” isn’t meaningful. 

You can understand why someone sees something differently and still feel strongly about what you need.

None of these adjustments guarantees that the other person will respond as you'd like, and it's also worth remembering that someone can understand your point and disagree with it. Being heard doesn't always mean getting the answer you hoped for, this can be the toughest pill to swallow. Your opinion isn’t the only one, and sometimes the outcome doesn’t match your preferred desire. However, if you've made your concern clear and the other person continues to dismiss it, that matters too. There is only so much you can achieve by changing your words when someone isn't willing to engage with what you're saying.

For your next conversation:

1. Keep it simple. 
2. Lead with your point. 
3. Make it specific, and show you've heard them.